Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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