dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
