I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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