WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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