i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
