Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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