do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
