Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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