Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW