his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house