I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
