The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.