we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
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Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying