so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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