Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
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Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
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The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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