You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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