Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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