That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
