make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
