opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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