Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She bit a glass in half.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Randomize
