This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize
