Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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