I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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