she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
