She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
zippers are such a cool invention
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world