i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Randomize
