u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
