im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
too bad you live with your parents still
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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