Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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