I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Randomize
