omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
