Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
