Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm just crazy horny about you
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
