i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
