Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
