i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
