i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
