anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
