he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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