They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm sobbing to NWA
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
