I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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