My liver just broke up with me...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
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The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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