the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
