This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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