I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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