the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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