dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
