When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I touched a dick in church today
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