I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
