I love how my cats smell like pot.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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