I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
