when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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