Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
