Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
