dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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