Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
