Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
