Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
