My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
